Hiatus.

Dear Jolie’s,

I want to apologize for taking a hiatus much longer than anticipated. Life hit me, and I had to hit pause. Here on alexandrajoli.com, I talk about finding the beauty in living, healing, and more. Well, the time came for me to heal me. So yes, I take my advice (sometimes).

At the beginning of the year, I had so many plans, and goals set that I couldn’t wait to get started. I took a trip to Miami and had a blast. The plan was to get the ball rolling as soon as I got back home; the universe had other plans.

We all have those scars that we “forgot” about. Those feelings and emotions that unless triggered, don’t come up. But, the problem is at any time an event can bring up some old wounds. Like many women, I don’t have the best relationship with my father. Grew up with him being narcissistic, abusive, and downright mean spirited. So, at 16, I decided that he no longer served a purpose in my life. For many years I was angry at him, to be real didn’t care if he lived or died. I know that sounds harsh, but when the first man of your life breaks your heart, and even your spirit, it turns you cold.

As Iyanla Vanzant would say, it was time to “do the work”; I started healing the pain from my father’s influence and absence. Embarking on a path of forgiveness is not for the weak hearted. Why? Well, one reason being that when you start forgiving others, there’s a moment where you have to forgive yourself, and the truth hurts sometimes. I even ended up dating people like my father at many points in my life because I couldn’t forgive him. You see you repeat the hurt you need to heal. So I suppressed it some more. Over time I convinced myself that I did the work and I’m over the pain my “sperm donor” gave me. But see I wouldn’t call him out his name if I weren’t harboring some type of unforgiveness in my heart.

THE STORY

So on my Miami trip, he called me. He lives in Miami by the way, and he knew I was there.

When I saw that name pop up, my heart sank (as it always does when he calls just for the hope that this call is the call that fixes everything). I answered, and he didn’t ask me about my flight, my trip, my person, or if I was coming to visit him or not. He didn’t even seem to care about me at all. TRIGGER All the hurt and pain that I swore was gone, came rushing back to me at once. At that moment I was angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, that little girl that was disappointed by her number one man. My heart broke once again and mentally; I went to a dark place.

When I got back home from my trip, I went into solitude. What I didn’t know is soon after mercury retrograde would hit. And I’m a Gemini so for months I was healing old wounds that were suppressed.

Moral of the story Jolie’s, just because you bury it doesn’t mean it’s healed. I finally forgave my father for not being able to give me the love I need. I forgave him for his level of understanding. I forgave him for all the hurt he caused me. And finally, I felt free. Now I don’t have anger in my heart for my father; he is free to do what’s best for him. That doesn’t mean that at times I don’t feel sad thinking about it, but what I do know is one day at a time it will get easier.

With love,

Alexandra Joli


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7 Comments

  • Isaac

    I’ll start off by sharing what my father taught me and my brothers! He said and I quit “never in your life, expect anything from nobody even people that owe you, including me too because expectation kills” smh!
    You’re totally write when you said we have to heal and forgive. As Christian we are obligated to do so but to be honest, I have 2 people I’m struggling to fogive for over a year now and I’m not sure when that will come.
    Well, It’s unfortunate they chose such path however, we should always strive not to allow their choice of decisions in life define who we are and whom we should/will become. It’s always beautiful to prove to them that we are beyond what they can ever imagine.
    Life is a struggle and I’ve come to realize that there will always be mountains, so as long as we are face another after having climbed the former till whenever lol, we’ll be fine.
    May the mistakes of our parents never affect the star God had placed on us because at the end, it’s me and my God not me, my father/mother and my God. Stay strong hon! I literally don’t know a whole lot about you but The you I know is very strong and powerful. Keep lighting the world with or without any man. 🤗🤗😘😝
    Isaac!!

  • Lydia Sherice

    Wow!! This was sooo needed. Healing the relationship we have with our parents, especially the opposite sex is everything. Im glad you forgave him and you can move forward with love so that the man of your hearts needs, wants and desires may enter and that yall may grow together❤🥰

  • DeMya

    I really needed to hear this. Healing – especially from certain things in ya life is hard work. I’ve been trying to heal since January and I’m still no fully there. I’m still not sure if it’s due to me still holding onto things that I feel I need that’s stopping me or what. Everything is a work in progress and I’m taking it one step at a time. Love ya go and sending nothing but positivity and continuous healing ya way xx

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