I want to apologize for taking a hiatus much longer than anticipated. Life hit me, and I had to hit pause. Here on alexandrajoli.com, I talk about finding the beauty in living, healing, and more. Well, the time came for me to heal me. So yes, I take my advice (sometimes).
At the beginning of the year, I had so many plans, and goals set that I couldn’t wait to get started. I took a trip to Miami and had a blast. The plan was to get the ball rolling as soon as I got back home; the universe had other plans.
We all have those scars that we “forgot” about. Those feelings and emotions that unless triggered, don’t come up. But, the problem is at any time an event can bring up some old wounds. Like many women, I don’t have the best relationship with my father. Grew up with him being narcissistic, abusive, and downright mean spirited. So, at 16, I decided that he no longer served a purpose in my life. For many years I was angry at him, to be real didn’t care if he lived or died. I know that sounds harsh, but when the first man of your life breaks your heart, and even your spirit, it turns you cold.
As Iyanla Vanzant would say, it was time to “do the work”; I started healing the pain from my father’s influence and absence. Embarking on a path of forgiveness is not for the weak hearted. Why? Well, one reason being that when you start forgiving others, there’s a moment where you have to forgive yourself, and the truth hurts sometimes. I even ended up dating people like my father at many points in my life because I couldn’t forgive him. You see you repeat the hurt you need to heal. So I suppressed it some more. Over time I convinced myself that I did the work and I’m over the pain my “sperm donor” gave me. But see I wouldn’t call him out his name if I weren’t harboring some type of unforgiveness in my heart.
So on my Miami trip, he called me. He lives in Miami by the way, and he knew I was there.
When I saw that name pop up, my heart sank (as it always does when he calls just for the hope that this call is the call that fixes everything). I answered, and he didn’t ask me about my flight, my trip, my person, or if I was coming to visit him or not. He didn’t even seem to care about me at all. TRIGGER All the hurt and pain that I swore was gone, came rushing back to me at once. At that moment I was angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, that little girl that was disappointed by her number one man. My heart broke once again and mentally; I went to a dark place.
Moral of the story Jolie’s, just because you bury it doesn’t mean it’s healed. I finally forgave my father for not being able to give me the love I need. I forgave him for his level of understanding. I forgave him for all the hurt he caused me. And finally, I felt free. Now I don’t have anger in my heart for my father; he is free to do what’s best for him. That doesn’t mean that at times I don’t feel sad thinking about it, but what I do know is one day at a time it will get easier.
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